I grew up fat. By the time I was in high school, I weighed 170 pounds. If I were a 6'2" volleyball player, this would be fine. I am not. I am 5'6". Any woman in this society who has ever been overweight can tell you that it sucks. You are looked on as lesser than, as if you have failed at your main purpose - to be attractive. Our society is very clear on this. The main purpose of women is to be attractive. To be beautiful. To be thin. To be young. To have long hair, straight teeth and buns of steel.
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| Me, around age 11. Not only overweight, but severely fashion-challenged as well! |
Let's face it, most of us do not measure up to society's ideal. Even those who do often do not think they do, and suffer from the same insecurities and eating disorders as the rest of us.
I managed to lose a pretty good amount of weight my junior year of high school by going on a semi-starvation diet, which was what pretty much all diets were in the 80s. I then went through many years of gaining and losing, trying to exercise enough to keep the weight off, etc. You know the treadmill to which I am referring.
And if that isn't bad enough, I turned 42 this year. To add to the weight/exercise issues, I now have gray hairs and wrinkles popping up.
It would be so easy to become obsessed! I have the type of personality that could easily lead me to exericse several hours per day. Tanning beds, teeth whitening, hair dying, plastic surgery - they are all out there calling my name with their false promises of eternal youth and beauty, which I guess leads to popularity and accolades. Me walking into the room and every head turning.
Ok, back to reality. Anyway, all of this is a big problem, because I am a Christian. I have died in Christ and I no longer live, but he lives in me. Does he care if I weigh 120 or 140? That I have a gray hair? That my thighs jiggle? I honestly don't know. After all, God created my body. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I do believe he cares that I take care of myself to a certain degree. And on top of that he has given me a handsome husband. And let's face it; God made men very visually-oriented. Am I serving and loving my husband if I do not spend at least some time on my appearance? Don't I dishonor him if I let myself go and stop shaving?
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| Me and my handsome hubby |
So what's a daughter of the King to do? Where is the line between self-care and self-indulgence? Is it right for me to buy a $20 jar of wrinkle cream while a child dies of hunger? What about a $100 jar of wrinkle cream? What about a $10,000 facelift? Is it ok for me to spend 5 hours a week exercising or should I spend that time visiting with the sick or shut-ins? When I fast, how can I keep focused on God and not congratulate myself for eating fewer calories ("I must have lost a least a pound today!"). How many pairs of shoes is too many? I have to dress well for my job, right?
Ok, you get the idea. I'm going to write about my struggles to answer these questions. I would love to have some sisters walk along side me.
